It is lost in the couch again, I just know it so I toss the cushions away and rummage through crayon nubs, leaky pens and half-mutilated dog treats past the edges where staples catch under fingernails, the FindMyAddiction pinged home before my small dependency died from lack of love and wires; it’s so frustrating to be so close yet not even close at all is it in the bed maybe, no the couch is where I am sleeping now, binge watching series in subtitles while not looking at the television because scrolling through social media to judge other people’s flamboyant artificiality is much more satisfying than accents and bad acting, but now I cannot even binge because who watches streaming video without being distracted by their phone, I cannot sleep and my eyes are blurry at twenty-eight I am just getting old this is what happens when you approach your thirties: you lose your phone, you find your phone, you lose it again, and while it’s gone, your life stops I mean literally stops in such a debilitating paralysis that you wonder how anyone ever survived without them; I’m ready to scream because it is not here so I Google how to deal with it from my laptop which is way too big to fit in my hand or pocket so it is pretty much useless and WebMD tells me I have NOMOPHOBIA and probably a far worse disease if I am curled up on my couch with no cushions, sobbing like a sad clown with a broken unicycle, but it feels worse like a swallowed the bike and it keeps pedaling in my stomach and laughing at me when I went camping once and left my phone in the car and had constipation for weeks it is not healthy for me to be without it what if I was in real trouble and needed to call 911 or 411 or I needed to check the road conditions with 511 or pressing 1 for customer service but no one is coming to help me because I cannot call or text anyone to tell them I am in a real jam how do people function without their devices I just want to hold you I’m sorry I won’t do it again I’ll put a tile on you and find you faster maybe we can even attach you to me–permanently–like a microchip in a spaniel but less invasive and you and me can be inseparable do you like that idea well if so olly olly oxen free come out now you stupid piece of shit what have I done to deserve this all I do is love you I leave you alone for one minute and this is how you treat me well screw you I don’t need you anymore good luck finding friends oh there you are in my bathrobe from last night I didn’t mean the things I said now turn on we have some catching up to do.
